If there´s one word I don´t like to have in my dictionary, it would probably be vulnerable, I simply hate showing my vulnerable side. So as a young girl I already mastered the art of hiding my true feeling and I was a champ at talking about your drama´s but would definitely not get into too much detail about my own. Letting people come too close meant they could really hurt me, and since I don´t like being hurt I decided to just keep up a very strong wall to prevent that from happening. I wanted to be a strong person and so that´s who I decided to be and no matter what happened, they wouldn´t get me down, I would keep going. I was resilient and would not show my weak sides.
However, since becoming a mom, it seems like someone added, from one day to the other, the word vulnerable to my dictionary. And no matter how high the wall is I might have built, it is suddenly really easy to hurt me. The love you feel for your offspring is literally something so immensely big, but with that immense love also automatically comes an immense fear. What if something happens to him? Just thinking about that can make me weep like a crazy lady.
And that’s probably another word I didn´t “do” in life, crying was not my thing. Well, welcome to mom life. I already noticed during my pregnancy that I cried a lot easier (all these tv shows renovating your home or solving your financial issues could make me cry every.single-time!) but blamed it on the pregnancy hormones. Yeah not really, I am still a super weeper when it comes to (dumb) tv shows (from soap operas to Grey´s Anatomy, from adoption real life shows to make-me-my-dream-home, I usually end up crying) and also catch myself crying sometimes just out of nowhere while watching the bichin sleep (first I thought it might have been tears of relief that he was finally sleep, but let´s just be honest here: they were tears because I was so happy with him). So yeah, so far for not liking to cry.
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Then there´s the hugging and kissing, I was not a very physical, cuddly kind of person. (Just ask my Argentinian friends, they think this cold, distant Northern-European is from a different planet) After all, that is somehow also a way of letting people come close. (And hugging with friends is one thing, but here in Spain it´s two kisses with everyone you talk to. Seriously, even at work, we keep distributing kisses!) Again, welcome to mom life. Since having the bichin, I just want to eat him because he is so cute. Literally! Suddenly, I do an overkill of snuggles and kisses each day, to the extent that he often pushes me away because he is done with his mom being all over him. (Eat your heart out all Latin ladies here, apparently the Northern European also knows something about hugs and kisses overload!) I often need to fight the urge to wake him up at night when I come back from work just because I want to snuggle (or eat him, one of those two). I mean seriously, wake up a sleeping baby? Everybody knows you should NEVER wake a sleeping baby.
So I guess the wall is coming down and I feel like I am more vulnerable than I have ever been (touch my baby and you´re basically touching my heart). Not sure yet if I like that feeling though because it´s a bit scary…
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